When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
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[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket