Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
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[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now