For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Yup
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again