Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.