Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.