i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
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I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.