We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
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Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
don’t be scared
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.