Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
You Might Also Like
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Investing in beetcoin
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I didn’t realize that was an option
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Mistakes were made
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Basically.