my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
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She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer