Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
You Might Also Like
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
When you’ve simply given up.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball