If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
You Might Also Like
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
This sounds bad:
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪