[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
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My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Festive toon…
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick