A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Lmfaoooooo
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
asking santa clause for nudes
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe