“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
You Might Also Like
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.