Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.