“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
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Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how