New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
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who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE