ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒