I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Always 🥴
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Banking tips
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.