[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go