ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
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My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap