Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
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My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.