I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.