My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
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It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”