That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
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If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
New mindset, who dis?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
My birth announcement for our third baby
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Whisper out to librarians!
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.