Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
opening twitter today
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.