#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
just gave your address to some spiders
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy