Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Wednesday
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am