what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
You Might Also Like
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Coffee is ready.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird