How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me when my alarm goes off
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
i wish we could shoplift online
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.