I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
You Might Also Like
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
the clam before the storm
I’m sure it’s fine.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it