Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
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Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
In case you needed to hear it:
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up