Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”