Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait