My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
…u ok Nintendo?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter