Seems legit
You Might Also Like
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Rambo Rambow
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.