“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Oops I deleted….
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
channeling her this year
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*