Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
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Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*