I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
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computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
🌱🌱🌱
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
me linking you to my twitter
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
One venti cheeseburger please.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.