Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
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My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.