It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
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Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
mathematically impossible
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*