[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
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My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Fidel Castro was alive?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else