First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
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“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Self-cleaning conscience
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Awwwww shit.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky