DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking