ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
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My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
was Jim off killing horses or…
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
🙋♀️
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?