Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
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There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
dutch so unserious
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.