I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
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My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.