Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
#SaturdayBears
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.