Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.