LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
The answer is funnier than the question
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Taking phone security to the next level.